What if I told you the greatest thing holding you back might be the standards you are held to, not you holding yourself back? Whether you are formally diagnosed neurodivergent, self-diagnosed, or you resonate with what is written below, you have probably had a fair share of challenges throughout your life. For a lot of us, there is not adequate support for our needs. We do not say to someone who was born not able to walk that they should be able to get on like everyone else without a wheelchair and anything else necessary to live a fulfilling life. Because neurodiversity means any difference in typical brain activity, it is often a hidden condition or disability, and because of this, we can be held to standards or routines that do not work for our brain and body. Trying to live up to standards that are not made with your needs in mind can cause great emotional and physical pain. These accumulated experiences can lead to chronic burnout, autoimmune conditions, or several other disabilities caused by stress. Because this neurotypical standard has been around us since birth, being aware of all the aspects of neurodiversity is crucial to understanding how to design a life that best supports your needs and also sheds light on how society can be designed more inclusively.

Neurotypical

Let’s start with covering the basics of what “average” brain activity looks like. Neurotypical is the average way of thinking and behaving in a general population. The perceptions of what is “typical” changes with the environment. What neurotypicality looks like in one country may differ from another country. Public places like schools, jobs, and sports arenas are designed for the neurotypical standard of the population. Some examples of neurotypical descriptions include:

Tolerating strong sensory input like loud sounds, bright lights, strong smells, etc. with little to no pain
Communicating well with others as expected in the given culture, like involving themselves effectively in group activities like sports or group projects.
Learning at the set or average pace in places like school and work.
Handling change and stressful situations appropriately
Behaving in a “normal” or expected manner in social settings. This includes the combination of body language, tone and volume of voice, eye contact, physical distance, and appropriate physical actions like handshakes and hugs.

Neurotypical Advice May Not Work for Neurodiverse Folk

Diet, Exercise, and Sleep

You will see neurotypical advice for success from most of the self-help and motivational books out there. The most common advice you’ll hear is what you probably hear from your doctor: get regular exercise, maintain a healthy diet, and have good sleep. And while these are helpful things to everyone, they are not always accessible. Some physical disabilities co-occur with some neurodivergent diagnoses, so some people are physically disabled and not able to exercise. Neurodivergent people may have sensory issues with food textures or sweating from exercise. Executive functioning also plays a large role in the ability to cook your food. Others don’t have time or money (or the executive functioning spoons) for a healthy diet. A lot of people regardless of being neurodivergent or neurotypical have trouble maintaining a regular and sufficient sleep schedule.

Routine & Habits

So what is some other neurotypical advice? Routines and habits are drilled heavily in self-help and motivational success books. Organizing your day-to-day life to keep your goals on track and not miss important deadlines. While this can help some neurodiverse people become more productive and help them from becoming overwhelmed, neurodivergent people may struggle greatly with forming new habits.

ADHD and ASD (which share a lot in common) among other diagnoses affect executive functioning and the desire for sameness. Executive functioning involves the organization of tasks and is a core skill in building habits. And something that is a misconception about autism and ADHD is the need for routines. To the neurotypical, that may sound like a schedule, but to the ASD or ADHD person it may be more clear to describe it as a desire for sameness. Whether that be activities, behavior, food, environments, etc.

Marketing

In the modern times of running your businesss, the world expects you to market yourself through all the social media platforms, a blog, and maybe a podcast! Oh, and also keep up with bookkeeping and finances – on top of the actual work you do for your business. It’s exhausting. The amount of task-switching and multitasking that is expected of entrepreneurs can be a lot to handle for most people and can be downright impossible for neurodivergent people. Being able to do everything that is “expected”, again, may not be accessible to everyone. This is not what success needs to look like.

Credit: Cristina Spanò

Networking

Another piece of advice that has been repeated for decades by extroverts is networking. The act of engaging in conversation or activity with other people and keeping up with them as a connection to build your “network” of people you know. This can be extremely helpful in finding connections with potential customers or building a community of like-minded people you can learn from and share information with. But this advice may discourage many neurodiverse folks who are often ostracized from society because of their differences. This can make it challenging to network without facing discrimination.

Standard Work Week

Perhaps the reason you started your own business was to get out of the neurotypical work standard of 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and typically during the 9-5 times. Likely that also includes a 20-60 minute commute that adds 1-5 hours to your work week. The pandemic has revealed that many people including neurotypicals and neurodivergent alike do not want to go to an office all the time if the work can be done remotely. Having your own business, you can choose when and where you work. Many neurodivergent people are limited to working part-time and need flexible hours while other business owners enjoy immersing their life in business and work more hours than an average person would.

Neurodiversity

The term “neurodivergent” is a nonmedical term to represent people whose brains do not operate in the average “neurotypical” way. The word neurodivergent came from “neurodiversity” coined by the Australian sociologist Judy Singer in 1998 to represent that each person has a unique way their brain has developed and thus has particular strengths and weaknesses. It is an inclusive term meant for anyone experiencing a brain difference. Neurodivergent people include those with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), PDA (Pervasive Drive for Autonomy), and mental health conditions like Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and schizophrenia. There are many other conditions known and unknown that fall under neurodiversity. I will be mostly covering aspects of autism and ADHD in this post as this is what I have the most experience with being autistic and ADHD myself.

Models of Disability

There are two models of disability, the medical model and the social model. The medical model believes that neurodivergent diagnoses are sets of symptoms or deficits to be cured or treated. While the social model of disability says a person is disabled when the environment does not accommodate their needs. It is important to distinguish between the ways we are medically and socially disabled. Not wanting to socialize is different from wanting to participate and being unable to. Both are possibilities for autistic people. Not wanting to socialize requires acceptance, but not being able to socialize due to sensory issues or social communication requires assistance or accommodation. Knowing the difference can be critical in how you maneuver through obstacles and challenges.

Debates from both sides of the fence argue as to whether these conditions are to be helped through medicine or society. The leading standard within medicine for treating autism is ABA therapy. This therapy seeks to change the person’s behavior to fit neurotypical standards. There is room to say that ABA has greatly helped the parents of some autistic children cope with harmful and dangerous behaviors, however, ABA can be harmful and traumatic when used for other purposes. Many autistics have spoken out about this, The Autistic Self Advocacy Network asserts that “ABA uses rewards and punishments to train autistic people to act non-autistic. ABA and other therapies with the same goals can hurt autistic people, and they don’t teach us the skills we need to navigate the world with our disabilities… many therapies can be helpful for autistic people, like physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and AAC.” The major point is autistics need accommodation for their differences, not pressure to suppress individual needs and fit in with neurotypical standards. While these differences in the brain can be disabling in today’s world, they are not a flaw. They are a call to respect and include people whose brains work in different ways, regardless of the type and extent of their disability. This requires us to have more curiosity about what it means to live in an integrated society where everyone has value and purpose.

A note on labels and the word spectrum

It’s important to note that though conditions like autism and ADHD are linked through genetics and environment, they can present very differently for each person. Autism is a spectrum disorder and like other spectrum disorders, this is not a spectrum of autistic to allistic (not autistic), it is a spectrum of how the symptoms of autism present themselves. One autistic person may not be too sensitive to sound, lights, and movement, to attend a live concert, while another autistic person may love concerts because they enjoy that strong sensory input. It could even be the same person on different days!

Image by Rebecca Burgess

Labels like “high functioning” and “low functioning” are being phased out for “support needs“, emphasizing the need for growth from society rather than the individual. Though even these new labels can be constricting – An autistic person who doesn’t drive and lives in a walkable city that fits with their lifestyle may need little support, but needs some support or substantial support living elsewhere.

Common Neurodivergent Struggles

Some struggles emerge as common across the neurodivergent community. This does not mean all neurodivergent people struggle with all of these symptoms all of the time and neither does it mean that anyone who experiences these symptoms is neurodivergent. Many neurotypical people have these experiences, though it is the frequency and intensity at which these are experienced by neurodiverse people that make it definitive. If you are neurodivergent, you are probably familiar with some of these symptoms, and it is not a complete list, but you may not be familiar with all of them. It’s important to understand how we perceive and experience the world and how it may be different from others. This can highlight parts of our personalities that we may have perceived as flaws in the past, but looking at them with new eyes, we can see them as a difference that has their strengths and struggles.

Stimulation

One of the most common experiences is being overstimulated or understimulated, (and sometimes both like above) and if left unchecked for the neurodivergent, can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns. Meltdowns and shutdowns come after tolerating uncomfortable experiences or sensations for too long that then become intolerable. At that point the person experiences an overwhelming amount of emotion and may experience a meltdown where there is a loss of control that can include screaming, yelling, and self-injurious behavior; or experience a shutdown becoming withdrawn, disengaged, or secludes themselves to gain control of the situation.

Neurodivergent may have more sensory processing sensitivity than the general public. There’s also research that shows autistic people’s brains create much more information at rest than neurotypical brains. Almost everyone has had an experience of being overstimulated by bright lights, loud sounds, and strong smells, but there is also the other side which is being understimulated. This often feels like:

Lack of motivation
Physical hyperactivity
A sense of unease, making you feel “flat” or irritable
Extreme impatience
Dissociation or getting lost in daydreams

It is the state of needing a certain sensation or stimulus. Finding your windows of tolerance is important for building a life that works for both your mind and body.

Emotional Regulation

Neurodivergent folks often struggle with emotional regulation. This can be due to the way our brains work differently, but it can also be caused by the common experience of enduring difficult and painful sensations and situations. Dysregulated emotions can be a cause of anxiety, depression, and impulsivity for neurodivergent people. It’s important to see that there is nothing wrong with being more or less sensitive and that the environment can drastically change the quality of life and how much one can participate in that environment. Everyone experiences unpleasant emotions, but not all of us are fast to recognize what emotions we are feeling and what to do about them.

Those with ADHD often experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) which is characterized by an extreme reaction and aversion to real or perceived rejection. Everybody has had the experience of feeling not good enough, but to those with RSD, it can be an excruciating experience. So uncomfortable are these experiences, that the person may organize their life around situations that won’t trigger this internal reaction.

Executive Functioning

Alongside sensory sensitivity, there is also the matter of executive functioning, which is the brain’s ability to plan, organize, initiate, and complete tasks. Many parts of the brain are needed to cooperate to complete tasks from start to finish. Neurodivergent people may experience difficulty in planning and organizing, Working memory, inhibition, flexibility, and self-regulation of behavior and emotions.

Object Constancy

Object constancy can also be a struggle among neurodivergent folks. Object constancy is basically “out of sight, out of mind (but not completely forgotten)” and refers to the difficulty to maintain a bond or connection with something through a period of interruption. It’s not being able to remember important things unless reminded or it’s right in front of you. Think of these examples:

Forgetting to take medicine because it’s stored in a cabinet
Seeing texts or emails and saying “I’ll respond later,” and forgetting to respond
Putting important documents in “important places”, and missing deadlines anyway
Missing or showing up late to appointments because you were stuck in waiting mode
Forgetting to pay the bills because mail was “put aside”
Expired groceries just chillin’ in your fridge because you couldn’t see them behind the milk
Buying clothes you already own, because they were stuffed in a drawer or back of your closet

Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

Hyperfixation and hyperfocus are also common experiences of ND. They are similar but slightly different. Hyperfocus is the sensation of getting completely immersed in a task or an activity and losing our sense of space and time – commonly called “flow state”. Hyperfixation is a longer period (days, weeks, months, years) where the idea or activity becomes almost an all-consuming obsession in the person’s life. This intensity of thought towards one subject can make day-to-day or mundane tasks very hard to focus on.

Hyperfixation is not always of the things neurodivergent folks enjoys, it can also be unpleasant emotions like anger and anxiety. This hyperfixation can quickly turn from rumination (deeply thinking about a topic or situation) to perseveration which is an uncontrolled form of thought that loops and repeats itself. With strong emotions attached to these loops, it can be hard for a neurodivergent person to break out of this vicious cycle when something troubling happens.

The Double Empathy Problem

From a neurodivergent perspective, the double empathy problem can be extremely frustrating and isolating. For example, a neurodivergent individual may struggle with completing tasks or engaging in social interactions, but when they try to explain their experiences to a neurotypical business owner, they may not be fully understood or taken seriously.

A neurodivergent employee may be met with doubt or dismissiveness from their neurotypical boss, who may think that the employee is just being lazy or not trying hard enough. They may not understand the unique difficulties that a neurodivergent person faces, such as sensory overload, difficulties with executive functions, or social anxiety.

Furthermore, a neurodivergent employees may also have to face discrimination or bias from their colleagues or customers, which can be emotionally taxing and can lead to feelings of alienation and isolation. They may have to work harder to prove themselves or may have to suppress their true selves to fit in, which can lead to burnout or mental health issues.

In short, the double empathy problem can create a hostile environment for neurodivergent individuals, making it hard for them to succeed in their careers and leading to negative physical and emotional consequences. It is important for employers and colleagues to educate themselves about neurodiversity, to understand and appreciate the strengths and challenges of neurodivergent individuals, and create inclusive environments where everyone can thrive.

Amanda Filbey, MA, CCC-SLP

Masking, Burnout, and Chronic Illness

Masking is a behavior where the neurodivergent person tries to hide or obscure anything that would have them perceived as different. Behaviors involved in masking may include:

Rehearsing conversations or scripting them before engagements
Planning responses to stimuli, questions, or other social cues
Faking smiles or other facial expressions
Not disclosing personal interests, opting for ‘socially acceptable’ ones
Mirroring hand movements or other gestures
Making yourself maintain eye contact during conversations
Acting as if overpowering sensory stimulations don’t affect you

It is a way to hide differences and help prevent discrimination. Masking to hide neurodivergent traits can take a lot of energy to constantly monitor our every way of being. Not every neurodivergent person has the ability to mask their differences, since this is a precise set of skills. And those who are chronically masking may lead to feeling loss of identity, severe depression, and burnout. Masking is due to the societal pressure to fit into a community and lifestyle or face discrimination.

Getty Images

There is a profile of autism that is widely acknowledged in the UK, but it is not recognized in the US called PDA (Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, or Pathological Demand Avoidance) and I think it’s very important to bring awareness. It is an “anxiety-driven need for autonomy” where the PDA person’s nervous system gets activated and they go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn when there are demands imposed on them. As kids, things like chores, homework, eating and sleeping schedules create an adrenaline response that may result in extreme reactions to situations that seem normal to others. Often a young PDAer does not know why they have these reactions because they even have the same negative responses to demands they impose on themselves (behave nice, get good grades, get enough sleep). Not having support for this difference can cause a person to go through their life with almost constant adrenaline. This may manifest as having periods of big highs and lows or as a constant life of burning the candle at both ends and having a large burnout or sickness in your mid-life.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the standards and struggles faced by neurodivergent individuals, including those with autism and ADHD, can have a significant impact on their physical and emotional well-being. The common advice found in self-help and motivational books, such as regular exercise, a healthy diet, and good sleep, may not be accessible or appropriate for neurodivergent individuals. The pressure to conform to neurotypical standards can lead to chronic burnout, autoimmune conditions, and other disabilities caused by stress. The medical model, which seeks to cure or treat these conditions, may not be as effective as the social model for neurodivergent folks, which recognizes the importance of accommodation and inclusion. The challenges faced by neurodivergent entrepreneurs can be significant, including difficulties with forming habits and networking, but success can be defined on their terms. It is important for society to recognize and support the unique needs of neurodivergent individuals in the business world, by creating more inclusive environments and flexible work arrangements such as remote work, which allows neurodivergent people to work in a comfortable environment and with a schedule that suits their needs. As a neurodivergent business owner, it’s important to remember that you deserve to have a fulfilling and rewarding career, regardless of the challenges you may face.

Coming Soon

Next Friday – Feb 3, I will be posting a new blog post all about neurodivergent strategies for success. This post will cover a wide range of topics that are specifically tailored to individuals who are neurodivergent. It will be packed with valuable information, tips, and strategies that can help those who are neurodivergent achieve success in their personal and professional lives. So, be sure to keep an eye out for this upcoming post next Friday!

NL Bookkeeper LLC

Why Neurodivergent Business Owners Struggle Under the Neurotypical Standard